Zzzzzzzzzz

How, pray tell, do airline pilots do it? I have been back from holiday for 4 days now and I still feel knackered. It's hardly surprising that a captain on an internal shuttle flight in America went bananas and had to be restrained by the passengers on his plane; not something you necessarily look forward to during your week away.


Following the meat fest that was the Colonies, I am still laying off things with a face - I had chicken soup last night, but I hardly think one chicken breast between two bowls and two lunch boxes really counts. Not to the extent that WHOLE DEEP FRIED THANKSGIVING TURKEY counts, yes, that's right - it's a southern delicacy.


If Ned Beatty looked less like a greasy bird, the whole squealy piggy unpleasantness could have been avoided...


   

Back from the USSA.....

Well, that was some trip. New York is mental and after years of procrastination I agreed to go up the Empire State Building and loved it. I resisted the temptation to hock a loogey off the top, fearing possible death for whoever it hit and certain death for me at the hands of the uniformed goons on the viewing platform.


We saw Marine 1, The Kennedy burial plot, The White House, Library of Congress, Ground Zero, The Whitney Museum, The Guggenheim, Strawberry Fields, The Dakota Building, Battery Park, The Statue of Liberty (from a distance but it still counts), The Museum of the American Indian, Apollo 11, The Air and Space Museum and ate until we nearly popped.


I am officially temporarily done with meat, chips, bacon, art, science, aeroplane food, and anything other than my own bed.


In other words, God Bless America, but it's good to be back in Blighty! (cue rousing chorus of Gilbert & Sullivan "oooooh, he is an englishmaaaannnnnn)

Time is relative...

Old Woman Yells at Universe.....

And relatively speaking it is dragging slower than the stomach of an overweight sausage dog with three legs.

This always happens of course, no matter what the event you're looking forward to - Christmas, birthdays, high days and holidays - all of a sudden you reach the event horizon and time ceases to have any relevance at all. I swear, I have been at work for about 3 months today. I am getting older even as we speak (which is obvious really).

Oh well, whatever, nevermind. We'll be in New York on Monday and I cannot wait, however the vagaries of temporal physics mean I have to - CURSE YOU UNIVERSE AND ALL YOUR WONDERS!!!

Spring has sprung...

An improvement in the weather, a new month, lambsies, birdies, bees and inappropriately dressed students strolling around in shorty shorts with stupid little slip on shoes. I am realising recently that I sound increasingly like my gran...

You must have decent sole on your shoes or the cold gets into your feet....

Make sure your jacket covers your bottom....

Wrong Spring...oooh, bouncy!

Drafts approach from the rear.....

Eat up, children in Africa would be happy for that (oh, OK, I'll pack up my bacon rind and undercooked, wobbly snotty egg white and ship it off to Kenya shall I? I'm bound to get a thank you card in no time).

What will I say to my daughter (imaginary though she may be)?

Never eat anything bigger than your head (a rule I plan to try very hard to break in America)

Keep a diary - when you're older, and have real problems, it never hurts to look back and see how those towering mountains of grief and embarrassment were nothing more than molehills (providing you don't put them on Facebook)

Look after your teeth because no-one likes a slurper.

Be friendly with as many people as possible. Be FRIENDS with as few as you can.

Thus endeth the lesson......

It's The Final Countdown..

DAH DAH DAH DAHHH!!! DADDLE AH DA DAHHH!

The dream....

Only a measly 12 working days go until the big off! Unusually panic has not yet set in due to packing related anxiety; that should turn up about 3 days before we fly out.


 I am currently praying to God/ Buddha/ Satan/ The Prophet/ Great A'Tuin/ Ra/ Hailie Sellasie/ Dave Grohl , that I have no Kindle related horrors this time. It wouldn't be as bad as in Portugal; I gather that some Americans can read and actually enjoy books.

The horrible reality

I do feel like I am entering the lion's den though with only Charles Dickens and Mark Twain to protect me.  The Kindle is bulging at the seams with lots of lovely classics; Sherlock Holmes, Shakespeare, Poe and a slew of steampunky goodness. 


All this preparation of books is only to ensure that I have something to do on the flight there and back. Husband snorts in disbelief, reminding me that I only have to pass a hairdressers shop and the sound of the dryers makes me fall asleep. I can think of worse ways of passing the time, but then I would miss out on complimentary drinkees and checking where we are on the Indiana Jones style map (there had better be on).


I wish flying was more like you see in the movies - people having "travelling outfits" as opposed to tracksuit bottoms and nasty gold earrings. Eurch. I may be sporting a natty cloche hat and suit, and have a little man to carry my matching luggage. In my dreams (cue rumbling engine noises...)

These aren't the sewing notions you're looking for

Holy crap. 


I love buttons.


I love Darth Vader.


All Christmas's come at once - JOY!

Houston, we have a problem...

Oh dear, too soon? 

Never mind world,  we shall just have to muddle along in our normal chaotic way, where footballers can cause riots by failing to observe common courtesy, normal news is stopped by the news that a rather over-rated Hollywood actress loses a highly inappropriately heeled shoe, and 5cm of snow stops the UK from doing much of anything.

Only 4 weeks until we jet off to America, where strangely weird behaviour seems somehow more normal? I shall be documenting all occasions of strangeness by our colonial cousins and reporting back of course

Whilst I am away, I suggest some kind person does a touch of Oxfam bin diving and creates this magnificent piece of uncomfortable and yet superb furniture...