Zzzzzzzzzz

How, pray tell, do airline pilots do it? I have been back from holiday for 4 days now and I still feel knackered. It's hardly surprising that a captain on an internal shuttle flight in America went bananas and had to be restrained by the passengers on his plane; not something you necessarily look forward to during your week away.


Following the meat fest that was the Colonies, I am still laying off things with a face - I had chicken soup last night, but I hardly think one chicken breast between two bowls and two lunch boxes really counts. Not to the extent that WHOLE DEEP FRIED THANKSGIVING TURKEY counts, yes, that's right - it's a southern delicacy.


If Ned Beatty looked less like a greasy bird, the whole squealy piggy unpleasantness could have been avoided...


   

Back from the USSA.....

Well, that was some trip. New York is mental and after years of procrastination I agreed to go up the Empire State Building and loved it. I resisted the temptation to hock a loogey off the top, fearing possible death for whoever it hit and certain death for me at the hands of the uniformed goons on the viewing platform.


We saw Marine 1, The Kennedy burial plot, The White House, Library of Congress, Ground Zero, The Whitney Museum, The Guggenheim, Strawberry Fields, The Dakota Building, Battery Park, The Statue of Liberty (from a distance but it still counts), The Museum of the American Indian, Apollo 11, The Air and Space Museum and ate until we nearly popped.


I am officially temporarily done with meat, chips, bacon, art, science, aeroplane food, and anything other than my own bed.


In other words, God Bless America, but it's good to be back in Blighty! (cue rousing chorus of Gilbert & Sullivan "oooooh, he is an englishmaaaannnnnn)

Time is relative...

Old Woman Yells at Universe.....

And relatively speaking it is dragging slower than the stomach of an overweight sausage dog with three legs.

This always happens of course, no matter what the event you're looking forward to - Christmas, birthdays, high days and holidays - all of a sudden you reach the event horizon and time ceases to have any relevance at all. I swear, I have been at work for about 3 months today. I am getting older even as we speak (which is obvious really).

Oh well, whatever, nevermind. We'll be in New York on Monday and I cannot wait, however the vagaries of temporal physics mean I have to - CURSE YOU UNIVERSE AND ALL YOUR WONDERS!!!

Spring has sprung...

An improvement in the weather, a new month, lambsies, birdies, bees and inappropriately dressed students strolling around in shorty shorts with stupid little slip on shoes. I am realising recently that I sound increasingly like my gran...

You must have decent sole on your shoes or the cold gets into your feet....

Make sure your jacket covers your bottom....

Wrong Spring...oooh, bouncy!

Drafts approach from the rear.....

Eat up, children in Africa would be happy for that (oh, OK, I'll pack up my bacon rind and undercooked, wobbly snotty egg white and ship it off to Kenya shall I? I'm bound to get a thank you card in no time).

What will I say to my daughter (imaginary though she may be)?

Never eat anything bigger than your head (a rule I plan to try very hard to break in America)

Keep a diary - when you're older, and have real problems, it never hurts to look back and see how those towering mountains of grief and embarrassment were nothing more than molehills (providing you don't put them on Facebook)

Look after your teeth because no-one likes a slurper.

Be friendly with as many people as possible. Be FRIENDS with as few as you can.

Thus endeth the lesson......